Dating Rules
Written by Tonja Monday, 24 May 2010 00:00
You are going to hear about the “rules” of dating from your older siblings, parents, and other relatives, no matter what culture you grow up in. Some of those rules come from age-old wisdom, but many of them are based in negative belief structures. If you want dating to be alive in your life, it would be best to forget about the rules that leave you feeling confused, hopeless… and even— dateless. Here are the ones to toss out:Before You Announce Your Divorce
Written by Tonja Monday, 17 May 2010 00:00
“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house” Rod Stewart
Thinking about a divorce, going through a divorce, and coming out of a divorce are stressful times. And since I wrote the book, Thriving After Divorce, which was launched in March, it’s been a busy time because people have tons of questions. Radio interviews, print, TV shows, live audiences, and website venues toss out some interesting challenges. They come from places I least expect, like, “How do entrepreneurs view their failures?” I suppose that question arose because I talk about the necessity of reinventing yourself after a divorce. (My answer: “Entrepreneurs don’t see challenges that didn’t work out as ‘failure.’ They see them as bumps in the road—whether it’s a pebble or a boulder. They work through the pain or disappointment, look for what they learned, and move on.” But one recent question about Larry King and his announced divorce and then immediate reconciliation, got me thinking: everyone could use a checklist before they announce a divorce. Not knowing the personal details of the King momentary breakup, I can only give a generic response, but before you tell the world about it, consider the following:
Get some counseling.
Have you done everything possible to work out your issues, from a minimum of five counseling sessions, to prayer and meditation? The very least you want to know before either of you walk away is that you gave the relationship every possible chance to make it.
Take a break.
Anyone contemplating divorce is exhausted—emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually. Do not make any major decisions about anything until you get some rest. Best of all would be if you could take a day or two in a quiet, peaceful location where you could clear your head. (Clearing your heart will take more time.)
Get quiet.
There are several ways you want to become quiet. The first is to listen for the messages that are running through your head, such as, “You failed!” and reframe them into, “You did your best. Now, take some time to ask yourself: What did you learn from this so you won’t repeat it?” Second, you want to carefully choose whom you talk with about your relationship problems. If you complain about your spouse to your family, and then eventually make up, you may move past the hurts but your family may never forgive your partner.
Share wisely.
You want to find a wise mentor, close and trusted friend, and/or a counselor you can share with. Babbling to everyone within earshot or in the workplace is not a good idea. More than anything else, you will probably just receive a lot of negative opinions, judgments, and cheap advice. Be discerning about whom you choose because you’re vulnerable right now.
Tap into the unconditional love.
Now, more than ever, you need your dog or horse or mother. You need sources of energy that love you unconditionally. They don’t necessarily need to know the details of what’s going on in your life but you need to call your mom (father, brother, sister, cousin, grandparent) and hear that s/he loves you. Get stocked up on hugs.
Connect with your favorite activity.
If your favorite renewing activity is gardening, biking, hiking, painting, or shipbuilding—whatever it is—you need it now. You need to do what feeds you, even if you think you’re too tired or busy to do it. We all have certain interests that we can get lost in. Stay away from your addictions that seem to ease your pain, which could be anything from shopping to alcohol. Feeding addictions will make you feel worse and cloud your vision more. You want to be filled with affirming energy—not a chemical substance.
Use boundaries.
Your protection against the world is your boundaries. When you understand them and use them effectively you will feel safe—with your spouse or anyone else. Don’t let well meaning but perhaps misguided people bait you into conversations about your problems. You will regret this later. Draw the line between you and others that says, “I can’t discuss that right now.” Also pay attention to your own neediness of others and don’t cross their boundaries by asking more of them than they can give. Resist the urge to call a friend at 3 am to talk about your fears or anger. Exercise, de-clutter a closet, or keep a journal—but don’t impose on friends at unreasonable times or places.
Before you announce your intentions of divorce, take a step back and think about the above. This is how you take care of yourself and the family around you… and prepare for the rest of your life.
“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house” -- Rod Stewart
Thinking about a divorce, going through a divorce, and coming out of a divorce are stressful times. And since I wrote the book, Thriving After Divorce, which was launched in March, it’s been a busy time because people have tons of questions. Radio interviews, print, TV shows, live audiences, and website venues toss out some interesting challenges. They come from places I least expect, like, “How do entrepreneurs view their failures?” I suppose that question arose because I talk about the necessity of reinventing yourself after a divorce. (My answer: “Entrepreneurs don’t see challenges that didn’t work out as ‘failure.’ They see them as bumps in the road—whether it’s a pebble or a boulder. They work through the pain or disappointment, look for what they learned, and move on.”) But one recent question about Larry King and his announced divorce and then immediate reconciliation, got me thinking: everyone could use a checklist before they announce a divorce. Not knowing the personal details of the King momentary breakup, I can only give a generic response, but before you tell the world about it, consider the following:
If You Could Turn Back Time
Written by Tonja Monday, 10 May 2010 00:00
Dear Tonja,A year and a half ago, my husband left me after 14 years of marriage and two kids. He remarried as soon as the divorce was final. I, instead, am a mess. I’ve tried counseling, anti-depressants, and divorce recovery but nothing seems to be working. I can’t shake the tears, sadness, and adjusting to what my life looks like now. I spend my time wishing I could turn back the clock and go back to being the old me.
So Overly Sad
Dear SOS,
You speak for many others when you describe your loss and your feelings. Perhaps the following example will help you gain a new perspective. Since you mentioned “turning back the clock,” if we related your life to a clock right now, it would look like this:
Are You Able to Love?
Written by Tonja Monday, 03 May 2010 06:21
“What is hell? I maintain that it is the suffering of not being able to love.” - Dostoyevsky, 1912
I am sure many people can sympathize with this arresting quote. Since I operate daily in the world of people who seek to love and be loved, I know from their stories that the thought and the words are appropriate to the current times—even if they were written almost a century ago.
It is true that the need for love never goes away. Some things never change. What has changed, however, is the realization of how to give yourself what you need. It isn’t necessary to pine away for unfulfilled dreams. You no longer need to suffer the feelings of hurt, abandonment, or being unloved. Civilization has arrived at a new consciousness of choice: you can take the actions necessary to have a life of love.
I also know that in order to find love, you must become the love you are looking for. How exactly do you do that? Take a look at:
Straight from the Heart
Written by Tonja Monday, 26 April 2010 00:00
Dear Tonja,Several years ago, I met an incredible man at a business convention. We were co-chairs of a seminar that required we meet often for planning. The attraction was mutual and fierce but though I am single, he is not. We have kept good boundaries but it is becoming increasingly difficult to not follow my heart. Last week, he opened up and expressed his feelings, which overwhelmed me. He wants to leave his marriage and to know if I would consider a long-term relationship with him. What do you advise?
So Overwhelmed
Dear SoO,
Thanks for your letter written straight from the heart. This is a time, however, when you need more than your heart to guide you. Even when you are blindsided by chemistry and the feelings of love and longing, you have to use your head. This is your life and you get to do what you want, but in order to protect your heart, and for many other reasons, you would be wise to consider:
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