The end of a significant relationship marks a time of uncertainty and confusion for many people. Too often it’s easy to become preoccupied with questions of blame, feelings of inadequacy, overwhelming anger, or other emotions that complicate or prevent the ability to make positive steps forward in life.

In Thriving After Divorce, Tonja Evetts Weimer offers a new paradigm for thinking about, understanding and navigating through a breakup. Divorce, while devastating, can be a unique opportunity for personal transformation, and unlike many other transitions in life, it can allow the possibility to direct what that change will be.

Using a concept called the 'Tao of Divorce', Weimer guides the reader through the stages of a breakup to allow more meaningful relationships with others, and ultimately, a richer and more fulfilling life for oneself. Weimer shows readers how to deal with shared responsibilities involving children, mutual business interests, the care of family members, and other situations that require a new relationship with the former partner.

Thriving After Divorce speaks to anyone who has gone through a breakup, providing hope, alternatives, empowerment, and inspiration to turn the inherent struggles of divorce into a triumph of personal growth.

"Tonja Weimer is The Professional's professional. After representing children and litigants in family court for nearly twenty years, I would recommend Tonja's book to anyone contemplating, in the middle of, or in the aftermath of divorce. Her sage advice will save the reader years of drama and heartache."
Dottie C. Ingram, J.D., Department of Social Services, Anderson, SC

"Tonja Weimer's work is ground-breaking. The combination of new information and seasoned wisdom, gained from her life and coaching experience, gives people what they need most at this time: hope. Those who are struggling with breakups will find effective tools and cogent insight in her new book, Thriving After Divorce: Transforming your life when a relationship ends. I highly recommend it for anyone who wants to grow a new life after the disintegrating effects of divorce."
Dr. Roberta Dimond, Professor of Psychology, College of Southern Maryland

"Tonja is a treasure. She is an outstanding writer and an incredible life coach. One of the most amazing things about her is her gift of perception. In all situations, she has the ability to clearly articulate and explain what is going on in such a way, she is able to transform lives. If you are reading this, you have the good fortune of being able to gather her pearls of wisdom and flourish. Grab on with both hands, and don't look back!"
Amy Richmond, Attorney, former client

"This book, the fruitful wisdom of Tonja Weimer’s many years of experience as a coach, will give you a constructive way to make sense of the past and present, but more importantly, will give you a future. If we reap what we sow, Tonja provides you with the long lasting tools to live in the rich harvest of a new life. Welcome to the rest of your life."
Dr. Madhavi Nevader, Lecturer in Theology, Oxford University

Strengthening Your Boundaries

You may not believe it, especially if you have gone through a bitter and difficult breakup, but there are hidden treasure under the fragments of your divorce. As I mentioned in the introduction, the TAO, or the way, of divorce is a process that works through you. At this stage of your development, the unresolved challenges between you and your former partner may look like the rocky sediment at the end of a receding glacier. But in fact, when you put light on what seemed like debris, you'll be able to see the glimmer of insight.

The blessings and revelations from your former relationship are immeasurably valuable in forming your Take. When you observe your past through a different lense, you will be able to see how you want to structure your future. What could be more important than that?

So how do you create a divorce that's peaceful when there is so much potential for disharmony? What can you do to find a new way to look at the issues you have struggled with in your relationship, to get the wisdom that can be found there?

The most important resource you need is boundaries.

When you grasp the power of boundaries and develop the mastery to use them effectively, nothing will ever look the same again. You need boundaries now, when you are stretching to find the best way to relate to your ex, your former in-laws, your co-joined business colleagues, and your mutual friends.

Boundaries are actually not foreign to us. We learn about them throughout our lives. We're just not always aware of how to use them to take care of ourselves. When we start to understand them, we remember many situations where a boundary set needed parameters in place.

One autumn, I went home for Thanksgiving. Nearing our house, I could smell the familiar scent of my father's stockyard mingling with the crisp November air. I stepped into the house and was greeted with the familiar aromas from my mother's kitchen, which I inhaled deeply to savor. My sister and mother were putting the finishing touches on dinner and my eyes feasted on the traditional holiday fare: candied yams, mashed potatoes, hot rolls, dressing, cranberry sauce, and . . . what was that? Was that stringy, grizzled, buzzard-like carcass lying on the patter supposed to be a turkey?

I knew better than to say anything to my mother, so I took my sister aside and asked, "What's the matter with the turkey?"

She confided, "Remember that old rooster that fell off someone's truck a long time ago? It'd been out in the driveway walking around with the dogs for five or six years. Mother decided to save some money this year. She cooked it."

Now that made perfect sense. Mother had lived through the Oklahoma dust bowl Depression-era years, and she had some strange frugal ways. We all sat down to dinner, none of us saying anything when she put the bird on the table. But when my father's eyes finally rested on it, he looked horrified and confused at the same time. He looked at the bird; he looked at my mother; he looked back at the bird. Finally, he said, "Alma? Did this turkey have a disease?"

She politely said, "No," but there was a look in her eyes that also said, "End of discussion." Which it was, because we were too busy chewing . . . and chewing.

What I know now that I didn't understand then is that not only did my mother have her own eccentric ways of saving money, but she also had a strong set of boundaries around her values. There were some lines you just didn't cross, and we all knew not to cross that one.

What does this mean for you when you are going through a divorce? You need to know how to draw those specific, important lines with others. You draw that line with your words, your gestures, and your attitude that says, "Don't cross!"

Without boundaries, you will keep creating the same level of response from people, which shows up in their demands, expectations, or attitudes toward you. This is especially true in a close relationship with a partner. When you are going through a breakup, boundaries will be your best protection from increased hurt or misunderstandings.

Types of Boundaries

What are those lines and what do they look like? There are four types of boundaries -- interior, exterior, proactive, and reactive -- that will take care of you forever. In this chapter we'll look at each one in depth, as well as how to get them to work for you.

Tonja has helped thousands of people -- both women and men -- learn how to attract the love of their life. They have also attracted more success, more friends and more money. Would you like to be one of them? Follow the techniques and suggestions in this ebook and then get busy! More of everything waits for you.

In How to Attract Men you will discover Tonja's secrets about how to attract men such as:

Body language and what you are really telegraphing to men.
The mini-Marriage trap -- Being exclusive without a commitment.
Settling for less than you want.
Colors you should wear and which ones attract men.

Discovering the Principles of Attraction

When I was single, I went through a period of time where I had some of those major life events that possessed the force of an ocean. Some of them were so big, they knocked me down, crashed me into the rocks, and then rolled me out to sea. I had no control. But I had two young children to raise, so I had to keep swimming.

I would come home from work and ask myself, "Do I want ice cream? No. Do I want to see a movie? No. Do I want to do ANYTHING? No." Absolutely nothing was appealing. It felt like this went on forever.

Then, one day, the course of my life turned on one simple moment. I read an article in the newspaper. It talked about a local woman who had won some contests. Embedded in the piece was an address for a pamphlet about contesting. I felt a slight flutter of enthusiasm -- something I had not felt for a long time. I sent for the pamphlet, and read it carefully.

Strange as it sounds, the idea of trying out the attraction principles that were discussed, and seeing if I could win a contest, stirred up some energy. A few weeks later, I saw a contest advertised in a music store. Beside the cash register was a flyer that said, "Tell us in 50 words or less why you want to win a one-week all expenses paid trip for two people to Holland." I read the rules and noticed it did not limit how many times you could enter. I took ten applications home.

After putting my children to bed each night, I would compose my essays. I was not a writer then, but I did the best I could. I counted each word carefully. There was no sense in being disqualified for too many words. Taking the forms back and depositing them, I tried to imagine winning, like the pamphlet instructed.

Several months later, I got an official letter. I was stunned. I was going to Holland.

At the time I was writing for the contest, I was seeing a therapist. I jokingly said, "If I win this, I'm taking you with me. I'm too shaky to go out of the country without you." Never thinking I would win, she said, "Of course I'll go."

One early October morning, my therapist and I set off on a Dutch airline. It was the first trip to Europe for either of us. All the way there, I told her about the principles of attraction that I had learned. Her attitude was, "That's nice, dear." She told me later that she thought I had just gotten lucky.

What makes the pairing of the older woman and younger man work? It usually takes two individuals who are willing to consider the implausible.

Did you ever wonder why younger men are attracted to older women? What is the quality that attracts them to each other, and in many cases, makes them stick? The phenomenon of younger men dating older women is becoming more commonplace in today’s society, and will increasingly become widespread.

Women over forty who are single and looking for a relationship can easily become discouraged. If you fit into this group, you may think all the good ones are gone. But the fact is, you have never been at a better time in your life to meet someone.

Tonja Evetts Weimer explores this provocative topic in her ebook, Older Women And Younger Men. With personal stories, knowledgeable expertise, and down to earth advice, she explains the significance of dating a younger man.

Once upon a time, long ago and in another century, I worked as a public school teacher. I was telling a class of Kindergarteners the story of Chicken Little.

You may remember that story. As Chicken Little was walking through the barnyard one day, an acorn fell on his head and he thought a piece of the sky had fallen. He ran to tell each animal he met, "The sky is falling! The sky is falling! We must go tell goosey-loosey (and ducky-lucky, henny-penny, and others.)"

Finally, all the gathered animals said, "The sky is falling! The sky is falling! We must go tell the farmer!" And so they all marched off to tell the farmer.

At that point in the story, with the motive of encouraging creative thought, I stopped and asked the children, "What do you think that farmer thought when Chicken Little said, 'Farmer! Farmer! The sky is falling! The sky is falling!'?"

The five-year-olds, who were sitting on the floor in front of me, were silent for a moment. Suddenly, a little boy in the middle of the group jumped up and said, "I'll bet he thought, 'Holey Smokes, a talking Chicken!'"


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Are you an older woman dating a younger man? Do you ever feel like the sky is falling? Do you worry that you made this relationship up in your imagination?Do you wonder why he is attracted to you? Do your friends warn you that as you get older, he may leave you? Or have you discovered that contrary to popular opinion, the dire consequences of dating a younger man are only the fears from a limited way of thinking?

The significance of dating someone younger lies completely within your opinion of yourself, how you live your life, your degree of integrity, and the values you honor.

Have you ever gone through a breakup or a divorce? Do you find yourself still thinking about:

- What he (or she) said, or did, or didn't do?
- What you should have done . . . or not done?
- Where it went wrong?
- How you could have stopped it from failing?

If you continue to carry any sense of blame, shame, guilt, distrust, confusion, or a lack of confidence for future relationships . . . maybe it's time for a new perspective.

In this e-booklet, Tonja lists 21 things you can do to make a full recovery from a breakup. If you want to seize this moment to move on and have the life of your dreams, wrap your arms around yourself . . . and these 21 steps.

YOUR BREAKUP GUIDE

1. Be still . . . and get quiet

You may want to run away from any lingering painful thoughts and feelings. But unfortunately, wherever you go . . . there you are. You can't get rid of you, so . . . settle down, be quiet, and get prepared to know and like yourself better.

No matter how far along you've come in the self-love department, if you're still hurting from your breakup, there's more growing to do. Gather some writing tools, or your laptop, or a tape recorder. Create a comforting space somewhere in your world and hunker down. You have lessons to learn from your experience with the ex and you want to mine this for gold.

This is your time; your chance; your bold plunge into the pool of past practices, patterns, and events that you can use to shape the new life you want to create. As you move through this guide, write down your thoughts and actions taken or record it somewhere so you can bring it out and use it if you forget, or you're having a bad day . . . or you're tempted to call the ex.

No one can save you, no one can stop the bad feelings, and no one can make you happy. That's your job. Take the next steps listed and you'll be able to do it.

2. Examine your thoughts

You'll never get away from the "old" you and into the new you who doesn't hold anger, bitterness or sadness inside until you take a look at what's running through your mind. It's as simple as this: every time you are seized with a negative thought from the past, rephrase it into something affirming.

Here are some examples of disabling tapes running through your head:

OLD TAPE . . . "I'll never get over him! (Her)"
REFRAME . . . "I am in charge of myself and I can reclaim . . . or start anew . . . my life and my happiness."

OLD TAPE . . . "I don't know how to let go of the pain!"
REFRAME . . . "I might not know how to do it by myself but I DO know how to go get some help."

OLD TAPE . . . "I can't forget what she (he) did to me!"
REFRAME . . . "I can learn to shift my focus to something positive that makes me happy. I don't have to be hostage to my thoughts."

When you change your thoughts, that process affects your actions, which will bring you a different outcome.