Are You Waiting For Him To Change?
Monday, 16 November 2009 00:00
- When we get married…things will all work out.
We’ll have a family, he won’t hang out in bars anymore, he won’t look at other girls, and he’ll be happy with me. The truth is, whatever problems you have in your courtship may become magnified in your marriage. If you haven’t worked through your issues that cause you both stress, being married isn’t going to be the magic tonic that changes them.
- When he gets through this bad time he’s having, he’ll pay more attention to me.
Well – that depends on several things. Is this particular stressful situation unique to his life – or does he always have a crisis going on? Is there always something that keeps him upset, unhappy, or emotionally unavailable? And when one problem gets solved are there suddenly three or four more to take its place? If so, you have probably chosen someone who is never able to make a commitment—to you, to a happy life, or to others—because they are committed to Drama. He probably doesn’t know who he’d be without it.
- When he gets through school and gets a job, then he’ll be nicer to me.
Being a kind person has nothing to do with school or jobs or anything other than being mature and considerate in hard times and good times. When you’re stressed you may not be your best self, but you don’t have to take it out on anyone when times get tough. However, the larger issue here may be that you are allowing him to be unkind by making excuses for his behavior. Set some boundaries. You have to tell people what you won’t put up with and you have to teach them how to treat you.
- Once we have children, he’ll settle down and be faithful to me.
No he won’t. He’s still the same person whether he’s a father or not. If he has a wandering eye and he can’t be faithful to you, nothing is going to change that much. He may have more responsibilities but that doesn’t necessarily make him a loyal person. Have the fidelity conversation before you get married, and definitely, before the children come.
- He lost his job, he can’t find another one, so he’s taking a break from working.
This is a red flag that you are about to be used if he’s puttering around the house, playing video games when you’re at work, and expects you to fix dinner when you come home. The question becomes, if he can’t find a job, what is he doing about it? His new job is to get a job. How aggressive, organized and diligent is he being? If you have to nudge him to go to work or to school or to find a new profession, you’re playing the role of caretaker. Essentially, that gives you two jobs, which will make you tired— and bitter.
- He spends holiday vacations with his ex and their children, which upsets me. He says I’m being childish.
Excuse me? Why can’t he spend time with his children without the ex? It sounds like your boyfriend has poor boundaries and is still a married man, which means he’s off-limits to you. If you are in a relationship where you are not the number one priority and your feelings are dismissed as not being important, you are going to have a lifetime of misery. Furthermore, if you don’t stand up and say, “This arrangement doesn’t work for me,” and be prepared to leave if it doesn’t change, this will only continue.
Does a Manx grow a tail? Does a Dachshund become a Doberman? I don’t think so. My son had to age a few years before he understood that.
What do you need to do to be realistic in your relationship? Listen carefully to what you’re saying and what your expectations are. Just because you desperately want those changes doesn’t mean they’re going to happen. You have to start working on them now and then be able to step back and see if they're happening. You don't want to have to "age" a little bit in order to see what is realistic and what isn't.
Find your boundaries and your voice. You deserve the real deal. You truly do.