Looking for Love – Online

Monday, 09 June 2008 00:00

Sara, a 50-year-old teacher who was divorced for ten years, was looking for a guy-friend online. When she finally met someone, they emailed, sent texts, talked on the phone for hours, and began to exchange gifts. Living in different parts of the country, they couldn’t afford to meet right away. But in the meantime, he listened sympathetically to her problems, reassured her she was a beautiful person, and said all the right things for months. He encouraged, validated, and soothed her. He read her poetry, quoted passages from inspiring books, and shared visions of the life he wanted to have with her. She was totally and unwaveringly in love with him.

Then he shared his worry and stress about money. He said he lost his job and was behind in child support payments. Without flinching, she insisted on borrowing money and sending two thousand dollars. A month later, he said if he could afford it, he would fly out to see her. She sent him a thousand dollars to cover air travel and expenses. She never heard from him again. When she searched for him, she discovered that his post office box had been closed, his cell phone was discontinued, and that he had used a phony name!

If you are looking for love online, you need to beware of the economic and other hazards you could run into. Here are the warning signs:

1. People who ask for money
When people fall for someone, they lose touch with their common sense. Online con artists are masters at telling you what you want to hear. They are charming, sympathetic, and know how to listen. In building your trust, a bond is formed. Eventually, they tell a wrenching story about how through no fault of their own, they are in a financial crisis. They may ask to borrow money because of a “cash flow” problem—or they may not have to ask at all. Whoever they’re romancing will just offer it. Never ever loan or give someone money when you meet online. The lonelier and more inexperienced you are, the more they sense your vulnerability.

2. Online dating site presentations
If a site promises an “exclusive list of special singles like you”, and uses pressure tactics from sales people, beware. Sales people may tell you they have a special going on, but if you don’t sign up for it today, the price for joining goes up. And when you join any site, you also want to know if you can sign up for a limited period of time and not be automatically billed to your credit card after that.

3. Privacy invasions
Use a generic, free email address and instant message account when talking online. Choose a username that does not identify who you are. Do not include your full name. If you decide to start talking on the phone, get an untraceable cell phone. Be honest but don’t give out personal information such as: where you live, work, or go to school. Protect yourself by setting that boundary early. Tell the person you want to keep personal information private until you get to know each other better.

What else can you do to be a smart, safe, and successful online dater?

• Watch out for married people. If he asks you to only call at certain times, does not always answer the phone, or suddenly cuts off conversations, those are the signs. If something just doesn’t seem right, trust your instincts and walk away.
• Ask for recent photos. Being able to view several pictures will allow you to see and understand more about the person you are talking to.
• Meet in a public place and tell a friend all the information you have on the person you are meeting. Also say where you are going and schedule a time with your friend to call you during the date to make sure everything is fine.
• Drive yourself there. Never go to his home or let him come to your home or work until you know each other well.
• Take your time. Don’t be in a rush, or allow yourself to be rushed into a relationship.

Watch for red flags! If you see any of the following, drop all contact.

• Gives inconsistent information, telling you one day he’s in sales, and the next he’s a manager at a department store. Or, perhaps he’s inconsistent when describing his past or family.
• Doesn’t seem like the same person when you meet him as he did on the phone.
• Refuses to introduce you to friends, co-workers, or family.
• Doesn’t want to talk on the phone, even after you have been talking online for a long time.
• Alludes to or makes remarks that are sexual in nature.

If you’re looking for love online, knowledge is power. Remember the above and always be…a Savvy Dater.