It's a Jungle Out There
Monday, 07 June 2010 00:00
THE TRAPS
There are lots of ways to get caught in a snare, so beware of:
The “There’s No One Out There” Trap
People who believe there aren’t any good ones left to date get caught in this one all the time and settle for someone they don’t truly love. There are plenty of good ones out there and you can find the one for you.
The Compatibility Trap
Many people buy the theory that if you have everything in common and like all of the same things, you are assured of relationship success. Though it is nice to have some activities to share, the real determinant of lasting love is great chemistry combined with a similar vision for your life, mutual solid values, and a willingness to work things out.
The Rescue Trap
This is a dangerous trap that lonely desperate people fall into. Believing that someone will come along and save you from despair, fear, or your life going nowhere will prove to be a disappointing arrangement. No one can save you…and you can’t save anyone else. You have to save yourself.
The Chemistry Trap
Chemistry can overpower you if you aren’t aware that it will disappear without the strong underpinnings of trust, kindness, and commitment. What seemed intoxicating can suddenly become just plain…toxic. You avoid this trap by staying conscious of the red flags in people’s behavior and conversation, before you get into bed…and into a commitment.
The Too-Good-To-Be-True Trap
If you met him on line and he talks about his highly secret job with the CIA and upcoming nomination for a Nobel Prize… or something to that effect… surely you will think twice about dating him.
If you step into these traps, you may have a struggle getting out of them. Obviously, it’s better to avoid them completely. Further, keep your eyes open for:
POISONOUS SNAKES
These threats exist everywhere, in or out of the dating jungle, and you can’t go anywhere in the world without paying attention to where you’re stepping. Snaky behavior is often meandering, so don’t be fooled by their fluid pace—they can be dangerous nonetheless. You’ll know when someone is a snake if they say unkind things about their best friend behind their back. Maybe they’ll say they’re single, when in fact, they’re married. Some snakes are recognizable by the pressure they assert to get what they want from you. Their actions may be smooth; their sole intention, a conquest. They figure out what you want to hear and then they say it with conviction. They may promise you a monogamous commitment before you barely know them.
SINK HOLES AND QUICKSAND
Battling your way through the jungle, you may have stepped into a mess you can’t find your way out of. These land traps represent people who grab onto you and won’t let go—before you truly know each other. Soon, you literally feel like you are being swallowed up by their neediness. The more you try to get out, the deeper you get locked into the trap. I call this kind of jungle peril a sinkhole because it saps your energy and gets worse as you try to struggle free. You may find that you need a friend, family member, or counselor to throw you a rope and pull you out.
DENSE VEGETATION
Sometimes, you really can’t see the forest for the trees. You need an aerial view of what’s going on. Is this person who she says she is? Can I believe her? Are my feelings real or am I just making it up? What will this relationship look like one year— or five years—from now? You need a friend or mentor to talk you through the places where you feel lost, confused, or just plain scared, so you can get a helicopter view.
These are some of the perils in the dating jungle. But once you are aware of yourself, and the challenges that you face, you can avoid or untangle anything you might get caught in.
When you’re prepared, it is possible to find the jungle lush with possibility, enchantment, and adventure. It can happen when you are…a SAVVY dater.